Standing in the Doorway

So, here we are again on the other side of another National Coming Out Day and we didn’t come out. We saw many people we know who at long last finally came out and we wonder if our time will ever come. Our time to be fully seen and fully known. And if they don’t like us then at least they have all the correct information. Right?

“Coming out” is THE queer rite of passage, isn’t it? We just want people to know. Right? But why? In the words of Tim Keller (regardless of how we may feel about him) “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial.”

I feel like we all go through stages of how we feel about it in the beginning. At first, we would basically rather die than tell anyone (at least for those of us who grew up in church). Then we come to terms with it and finally come out to ourselves and to God, or maybe vice versa. And then, honestly, we don’t know what to do. We don’t even know how we feel about “coming out.” And we go back and forth on it a thousand times going from getting ready to do it and completely backing out at the last minute. Even the people who are currently out went through the same exact thing. And those of us who don’t use lgbt terminology and would never call it “coming out” go back and forth about when and to whom they disclose their attractions.

My deep, deep desire I’ve had all my life has not necessarily been to be seen, but to be understood. Initially when I thought I was ex-gay I really had no problem telling people, but when I realized that this whole situation was still very present tense, I stopped disclosing because it wasn’t a testimony until you had “overcome it.” So, I was just going to wait until it was past tense. Or so I thought. I didn’t feel like it glorified God if I had not overcome it, or if He had not healed it.

As God gently guided me to a side B understanding of Scripture, I once again began contemplating if I wanted to come out and what that would look like for me. As a missionary I tend to always be missionally minded. If I didn’t honestly believe that my story could glorify God and benefit somebody else who also has that deep desire to be understood I would probably face this whole thing differently. At the same time, ministry is one of the big reasons I haven’t “fully” come out yet. And I say fully because this really is a “glass closet” kind of situation. Most of the people I have already come out to are hardly ever surprised.

Another big reason is because as a married person this really does affect more than just me. I didn’t even come out to myself until I was already engaged and it took me a little while to tell my husband and I have had to let him learn and come to understand this on his own and at his own pace.

All that to say, everyone is different. And we all have different reasons for not being out yet, or not being out at all. On top of all the practical reasons I listed above I am also a colossal weeny when it comes to my emotions and putting myself out there. I drafted up a letter to my pastors some time in 2020 if I’m not mistaken and it sat in my computer and I never used it. I had a whole plan that never came to fruition. What I ended up doing was coming out to my pastors wife on a whim after Sunday service one day and I am currently working through that.

So am I out or am I not out? Who decides what percentage of out is “out”? I feel like sometime in the last decade “out” has come to mean “making a social media announcement.” The only things I think I have ever announced on social media were my engagement and pregnancy. I don’t think that’s what it should mean. Is that a way to come out? Sure. Is it the only way, or even the best way? Not at all. For a while I thought I wouldn’t be able to tell my story or dress how I want if I wasn’t “fully out,” but that is clearly not true. I have been in these conversations talking about my sexuality and faith for years now. I have had poems on my personal blog up for years that no one cares to read. And I have worn suits to every formal event I’ve gone to (except my sister’s wedding) for the past like 4 years or so. The only measures I use to “hide” my identity is I generally don’t use my last name or picture when engaging with these conversations publicly; even though there have also been instances where I do.

I decided a couple years ago to take the pressure off of myself to come out. Do I wish more people knew about this part of my story? Certain people in certain situations, sure. Do I wish I had it posted up somewhere for people to find without actually having to ask me? Depends on the day you ask me that question. Do I need everyone I ever meet to know this about me? God no. I wear absolutely nothing on my sleeve except for whatever my graphic t-shirt may reveal about my interests; Star Trek, comics, coffee, music, etc. I don’t know why I thought this would be any different.

I liked it when Karamo Brown said that coming out is about letting people in, and that’s how I’ve come to view it. Just because every single person I know doesn’t know I’m some flavor of queer (because they don’t want to know, let’s be honest) doesn’t mean I’m still closeted. Being in the closet is a lonely, dark place sometimes, but being so out that everyone knows is not the only alternative. Being “out” is not about exposing yourself, but about inviting people into a part of your life that until now had only been privy to you and God. Remember what God says about dark places? “What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.” (Matt. 10:27) We learn a lot about ourselves in the closet, and if we allow God in there with us, we can learn a lot about Him too.

Being in the closet isn’t a complete waste of time. Use that time to come out to yourself and figure some things out. Many times, we rush to come out before we have taken the time to figure ourselves out. We have come to a point where we almost think that it is something that we have to do. Something that we owe people. So we rush to give people information that we may not have all of just yet. As with all things in life, we give ourselves this timeline for how soon we have to have life figured out, or ourselves figured out and it’s simply not true. We shouldn’t rush to expose ourselves in a desire to be known. As it says in Ecclesiastes 3:7, “there is a time to be silent and a time to speak.”

 I guess my overall point is that there is not only one way to live out certain truths about ourselves. There is not only one way to reveal that truth about ourselves. And just because only certain people have access to particular chapters in our story doesn’t mean that we are necessarily still “closeted.” Am I out? No. Am I closeted? Also no. Just here standing in the doorway, I guess. I am still at a point where I decide who gets access to that part of me. I choose not to cast my pearls before swine. So, as my pastor’s wife said after reading my poem “church closets”, I would hate that anyone ever feel like they have to be in some sort of closet. I hated being trapped in the stuffiness of myself. So, yes, I would hope that someone knows your story, but it doesn’t have to everybody. Just because my story isn’t on full display doesn’t mean I am closeted or ashamed. For those that came before us, yes many times the choice was to be buried in the closet or everyone knows, and everyone knowing wasn’t always a good thing in many cases. 

I was in the closet once, but one day when no one was paying attention I just walked out and left the door cracked. Not closed, not open. Not a secret, but not on display. I have lived my life in between many things, and I guess this is just another one of those things.