What is love?
"What is love?" was famously asked by the artist Haddaway in his 1993 hit of the same name. Now that this earworm will be with you the rest of the day (you're welcome), let's consider his question. The English language makes this quite a challenging one to answer.
I love my mom.
I love Thai food.
I love my dog, Gus.
I love Lady Vols basketball and Red Sox baseball.
I love my kids.
I love a warm spring day with the windows down and loud 90s country music.
When we talk of sex, we often use the euphemism "make love," as if we could manufacture love through an action.
We're told, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."
The Apostle John tells us, "God so loved the world that he sent his only Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life."
Haddaway seems to answer his question, "What is love?" in the following line when he declares, "Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more." Does love mean never getting hurt again?
The book (and movie) Love Story declares, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." So, is it love when the other person knows you so well that they can assume your intentions toward them are always good and apologies are no longer needed?
Surely the word "love" does not mean the same thing in all of those statements, but we use the same word and assume we know what others mean when they say they love something.
But we can no longer assume any meaning is universally understood, and using more nuanced language, even about love, would go a long way in better understanding ourselves and others.
CS Lewis and The Four Loves
So much of what C.S. Lewis wrote is rich with a prophetic tone, and his work on love is no different. Lewis anticipated the direction of society toward increased polarization, with arguments falling into love, hate, and other all-or-nothing categories. Lewis dives deeply into the four types of love described by the Greeks to combat this tendency.
We're going to use this same structure to regain some nuance for our conversation about love leading up to the 2023 Revoice conference, Made for Love. Over the next four weeks, we'll examine "love" as Affection, Friendship, Eroticism, and Unconditional or Sacrificial. But before we do that, there's one point we must address: this is not a progression, as if each one on the list is better than the one before it.
Some Foundational Thoughts
This myth of love that romantic or erotic love is somehow better than Friendship is just that– a myth. They are different, and one is not inherently better than the other. Romantic love isn't a "level up" from Friendship. Contrary to what When Harry Met Sally taught a generation, people can be "just" friends, even if romantic or sexual attraction might be present.
I catch myself falling for this myth frequently when watching television because I was raised to assume that the guy and the girl (because Hollywood is SO heteronormative, am I right?) who have obvious chemistry are, of course, going to end up together. This was the main storyline for so many shows– Sam and Diane (Cheers), Ross and Rachel (Friends), Meredith and McDreamy (Gray's Anatomy), Bones and Booth (Bones), Leslie and Ben (Parks and Rec)– you get the point. I've recently realized just how ingrained this expectation is because Hollywood has finally started writing shows where the guy and the girl don't ever get together romantically. I keep thinking, "THIS is the moment they stare into each other's eyes and collapse into a passionate kiss, unable to resist the chemistry a second longer," and then it never happens. The leading characters lead the show with no romantic storyline. Their relationships deepen with time. Genuine love, trust, intimacy, and even physical Affection evolve between them, yet their relationship isn't destined to become "true love."
When we're trained to look for that in our entertainment, it's no wonder so many of us think that's how relationships should work. We assume that the more we love a friend who happens to be of the gender we are sexually or romantically attracted to, the greater the chance it will naturally evolve into romantic or sexual love. For those of us who grew up in the church AND experience same-sex attraction, this myth led to a lot of panic, anxiety, and loneliness because we would cut off friendships rather than risk them becoming sinful in thought or action.
With all of this in mind, let's start this journey together with a couple of assumptions:
Each of these loves could be seen side-by-side with one another, not on one scale of progression. They can co-exist, but it is not inevitable that they progress from one to another.
Each of these loves can grow and deepen in familiarity and intimacy, moving us toward community like what is seen in the Trinity. On the other hand, they can also become twisted into counterfeit forms of intimacy and community that ultimately cannot fulfill our God-given need for those things. In other words, love can be seen as morally neutral, and what we decide to do with it determines whether or not it is righteous and God-glorifying.
Affection: The Foundational Love