The Birdlime
written by Reuben Kendall
Antiphonal call and response. Call in plain font, congregational response in italics.
Tone: anguished, pleading, confessional, desperate, chaotic, poetic, vulnerable, raw.
I could not find the page that said you hated me, Lord,
so I wrote it myself,
to replace what you must have forgotten to say.
I could not find the page that said I was beyond your grace,
so I wrote it myself,
to fix your mistake.
I have written so many pages, Lord!
behold my life’s long work,
replacing what I thought were missing pieces of your word
with pieces of my hurt.
I plaster the walls of my heart with these pages;
their cruel words cocoon me in long bleak nights
where my own writing hides me, guiding my eyes
away from the sight of your love’s light blooming
dove-gray across my horizon.
Your love’s light blooms dove-gray across my horizon.
My whole heart hurts from these words I tell myself,
my is mouth filled with the broken glass and gravel of them;
I fill my mouth, my mind, my life, with these words,
afraid that if I do not say them, you will.
But who has ever silenced you, my Lord?
Your voice thunders across all creation.
If you had meant to speak cruelly to me,
what hand would hush you?
There is none.
Your tenderness pleads with me.
My heart begs to fly home to you like doves,
gray wings racing fearful and eager
into your love’s bright dawn;
Lord, my frail soul strains it wings;
it would take flight, but my own words bind me;
my heart is stuck in its own thick hurt like birdlime.
Take pity on me, Sparrow-Watcher;
see how my little claws are caught,
how they cannot let go!
Oh, that I could let my hateful pages go!
Speak tenderly to me and tears will flow
to melt these fears that grip my soul like glue;
water to wash away the words
my shame claimed had come from you;
By gentle insistence free me;
speak, ancient Maker; word by tender word
defy my own cruel worries;
In your Love I shall find release
from this suffocating birdlime inside me;
Heart’s-Dawn, I shall fly to you like doves:
swift, fearful and eager; Oh, my heart’s Dawn,
I shall fly to you like doves.